I am Irony

the irony that is me

is that i learned too late what love was

very very late in life

this week in fact

and i learned how wonderful my wife was

and while i did do love her

and have for 20 years

i was not completely in love with her

because i did not know its real definition

i didn’t know

because if i had

i would not have been so callous with it

because why would i mishandle something so beautiful

and delicate

and strong

and powerful

the answer is i wouldn’t have

would you?

my love is not perfect

and that works if it is referencing me, as in my

but also works if it references the object of my love, as in her

i have always thought that my true feelings

of judgment

the blinding light of her judgment

because before she seeks to understand

she will cut you down and leave you bleeding on the floor

yelling first and asked questions later

and i would hear the scorn and dismissal

when i mentioned my embarrassing things

not intentional but it was there

in comments on the side

and snide

and i drew away from her

the previous me

full of fear, shame, and uncertainty

slinking in shadows

looking for feeling and acceptance

wanting to be true

but it isn’t something I could do

i didn’t fully understand that i had

desires and cravings for another man

i thought it was just me being perverse

a crossdressing humiliation filled curse

and those moments were my drug

my alternate lifestyle addiction

lying in wait until the coefficient of friction

between weakness and self contradiction

were craving my next self-conviction

not realizing it would be the ultimate source

of true love’s eviction

i will say that again

true love’s addiction

and after my personal awakening,

i saw her flaw was a poison

a poison to my love and affection

to true, deep deep connection

and when i realized what that flaw really was

i exploded in an anger that i have never felt

unleashing the nuclear megaton armament on her soul

putting three holes in wall

and telling her i am leaving and cannot live with her scorn

she broke

and laid on the floor

throwing up uncontrollable

purging herself of the toxin within

but in that breaking

she understood

and began her healed

and she woke

and the saboteur inside her that stopped her from being her full self

ran away

and the her that remains

is so amazing

and i am in love with her

at such a higher level than i thought was possible

Sometimes she still has those moments

when she is operating from fear

and strikes leading me to cower once again

luckily those are on the decline

and her radiance on the incline

leading to moments sublime

and my renaissance

still resolving to appear

finding myself so late in my career

removing that denial and self loathing menhir

celebrating my authentic self premier

showed how the love i had before was pathetically austere

making me realize i’ve always had her near

and ‘i love you’ is not something from a sloganeer

or a feeling i no longer have to engineer

i had to realize i was gay to realized how much i truly love my wife

that is a slogan i had come up with

but now i realize it is something sondheimian

and our life

with some modifications

such as the need for constant new relations

seeking new deep sensations

mostly just emotional and physical masturbations

and she said she could probably live with that

if at our core we have us

and maybe my future husband wanna-be

living our lives openly and authentically

and her capacity for compersion

after a bit of aversion

wondering if it was a relationship perversion

it's just loving pattern of a different version

she said she could live all that

but that i had broken her heart

and trust

and joy

and so here at the very very start

of a life true and without secrets

and my heart as big as the ocean

and love’s capacity in motion

i will not have my partner and love by my side

i will always be on the outer orbit

of her love

days will go by

and we will both flourish

and live the lives we’ve always wanted to

but no longer me and you

and every time i think of those words

i begin to break down and cry

knowing that i let true love pass me by

and that is why

I am irony