I live in the shadow of her abundant love

I wrote this in realtime as I was feeling this. It is fairly recent. And the pains that I speak of are still real and tender--both in me as well as my wife.

I wrote this in the most intensely painful night of my entire life. Having confessed my final secrets because I had to. I preach authenticity but this is a newfound habit; having lived my life inauthentically. Even to myself.

Every secret you keep is a lodestone on your heart. And each secret reduces the capacity you have for joy; and that impacts others capacity for joy. Because your secrets take away from your ability to fill their life with joy. How can you spread real joy if you aren't joyous yourself? And so I robbed myself of happiness for years and thereby reduced the happiness of my wife and my family.

I am living proof that it is never too late to change your life. I changed mine because of epiphanies and realizations. I could have continued. my inauthentic ways until the day I died. But I've discovered that I wasn't fully living--just floating down life's lazy river toward our final decline. And that is not a way to live my friends.

I decided not to type this poem out like I normally do. I dictated it on my iPhone. While I've cleaned up obvious typos and done more normal editing, I left the autocorrect and dictation errors in because I've found that autocorrect has its own built in wisdom.

I live in the shadow of her abundant love

Twenty years of love

Even though I only knew it’s fullness just for a brief moment of time

And recognized it

in the middle of

Her telling me that she is disgusted with me

even though she didn’t use those words

disgust is what came out

Because those are the only words

The only

Words

That fit my situation

That I lost

Before I knew

How horrible that deep that cut would be

Because I was only a hollow core

And nothing can hurt emptiness

so tonight

When I said to her

There are no words you can say that will make me feel worse

I was fundamentally and critically wrong

What I didn’t realize

Until the moment she escaped my future possibility

Is that I love this woman so deeply

And so purely

That losing her

Is the only pain I can feel

And her pain is the the only thing I feel at this moment

When I hurt people

I hurt myself

And so I cannot handle

The depth of pain that I feel

Having the infinity of my newly discovered love

Neutralized

Vaporized

Sodomized

By the vile darkness that I was

And still know I am

If I had to keep secrets

Or vowels I can’t keep (dictation error here)

Vows

Either word works

Because I can’t keep my wedding vows

Which means I can’t keep my words that are my vowels (dictation error here)

I

There is no A. E. O. U.

Whoa

That is a kick in the head

There is no U

Only I

And it’s how we all are

Except the woman in my house

Our house

The house formally known as ours

forming Lee known as ours (dictation error here)

Fendingly (dictation error here)

yet formerly known as ours

Even the weight of holding this phone

Is too much

Because it takes away the pain I want to feel right now

That I am feeling

It was

And ever Shelby (dictation error here)

To the end of the earth

Amen

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of my death

I will fear no evil

For nine Juliet light (dictation error here)

And I meant my Elaine

I will fear no evil

Cause that would be to fear myself

And part of me

Says I’m selling myself

In my pain

And self-loathing

Yet still posting

And boasting

Cupids bow sting

Stupid sbow cuing (dictation error here)

Queuing

It will be a long line that I am in

To visit her love again

But I guess I’ll have to learn how to queue

And we know a queue

Is the data structure you need

To reliably accept incoming messages

With guaranteed delivery

And failover safe disaster recovery

As I am SOC2 fucking compliant

Although I am in no way reliant

I am self reliant

Even though two hours ago, I realized I didn’t have to be

I’m catching my breath

I am breathless

I hear the helicopter coming

its thumping throbbing thfump thfump trying to get

To the Children’s Hospital to save a life I live my a children's hospital

And I feel the agony and tragedy

The air pressure

Impeding their progress

And while I am in no way part of that trauma

Except as an innocent bystander

I had a front row seat

At my trauma drama

Because I wrote every note

and lyric

And wine (dictation error here)

I said and line

Every stage direction

Every camera angle

Every pan and zoom

And he’ll lumen (dictation error here)

And Ill um I Nate

Evaporate

• Two minutes silence as I think about what I’m feeling

And I sat here for two minutes, just being

And I don’t know how to convey that in words

Other than just be

Who you need to be?

Who you want to be?

Who you have to be?

And actor

An actress

strutting itself on a stage

full of sound and fury

signifying something

And a Venus

I am so tired right now

my mind and heart exhausted

but I am woke as fuck

Or at least my privilege

Leads me to believe

Because my mind completes anything

Like getting fucked by guys

does not really mean that you are gay

Just buy dictation error

Just bi

Auto correct by erasure

It even spelled BY

bi-erasure

So much for artificial intelligence

Because I can never capture the Magnificat Mac

Magnificence

That every single one of us

Yes dictation error

I said is

But yes, works too

I am so gonna write a poem

About auto correct

That is sometimes very

That sometimes is auto very precisely, correct

Oh, and I know I came here to write the best poem ever and

To pour my heart out

I am self referential, and I am recursive.

That means I keep replicating my flaws even though I think I have found them and stop them.

As I go deeper and deeper down that rabbit hole

I just see more nuances and intricacies, and I see that it is fractal

Which taken too it’s logical conclusion

His infinite dimensions dictation error

Is infinite dimensions dictation error

Auto correct does it again

I am exhaling, and I am moving my phone to my other hand

Because I don’t want this to be a video

Because my poetry is different when I see it in words

Even though I am dictating this

Word for word nothing rehearsed

12 times not rehearsed

I am free styling is hurtful verse dictation error

I said this hurtful verse

And once again

We got for Cade dictation error

My God, I said 'we replicate'

Auto correct fuck fuck fuck you fucking auto correct why did you have to say Cade? Cade is someone I blocked a week before writing this

Because now

He’s going to read this

I think he’s all that

Which is not

Because he is fake as fuck

And I have forgotten where I am once again

In my thought process because recursion

It takes a memory baby

To go back up the stack

To Rehak dictation error

And resume

What I was saying 20 minutes ago

But don’t worry

We might be at this moment again

So

My family is hurting

My soon to be ex-wife

Out of my life

Causing her no more strife

From my painful shallow life

Cutting her

Like a soul knife

I apologize

To my wife

And the rest of the dictation error

The rest of you in my life

Who I hope they’re

Hi hold dictation error

Hi dictation error

Hi hi dictation error

I

Hold

Dear

Auto correct knows what the fuck is talking about

Knows what the duck it is talking about

I cannot stop creating

I cannot stop injecting my

Commentary

So maybe I am Cade

Because at least I know, my bullshit is bullshit

And when I realize that

I will tell you that

I am not a reliable guide

Otherwise, otherwise

I would have guided you to her light

Because I would’ve never left her site

As I learn to know, it’s my dictation error

As I learned

To know

It’s

Her

Might

And I hear the bubbles, the gentle

Of the hot tub

I said all

I said oh

Like a lover does

Like I do

And in very long sexual, but yearning way

With a hint of ******** I accidentally deleted this word and could not remember what it was

And pain at not having resolution

Goddamn

Dictation

And I cannot remember

What I said

With a hint of

It is the truth

And I can’t remember it

And I reread and I remember

Pleasure With a hint of pleasure

I am going to stop now

And wallow

In my darkness

With nothing there

To record

Or make a record

Of my pain

And I don’t know if I will be back

Although I’m pretty sure I will

Unless I have a heart attack which feels somewhat possible now

And that would be ok

Because the pain would stop

And I could never hurt anyone again

The end

Amen

(While the author, me, did, for the briefest moment think that the world might be a better place if I was not here, I am, clearly, still here. And I would never follow that road because I have so much to live for. And my kids needs me. And my wife--or exwife--or future best friend--needs me. And I need them.

And if you ever have thoughts like that, tell someone, or call your local suicide prevention hotline. (In the US, you can call 988 - there are options for Veterans, LGBT+ under 25, and anyone else. YOU DO NOT NEED INSURANCE. They can even come to you if you are in extreme crisis. 24/7 they will help you. You are not alone. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND. NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE DONE, IT WILL GET BETTER)