Recursive Self Loathing

A theme of mine is recursion. Basically a function calling itself over and over. And if unstopped, will run forever. And infinite loop. And I was thinking of self-loathing--hating yourself for something about you, whether you were born that way or a behavior you learned. We get into spirals of thought--usually spiraling down that we can't get out of.

The recursive nature

Of our self loathing

And doubt

Is insidious

Because how could someone love you

In the condition you are in

And when you let that thought come in

That perhaps no one could peer in

And love you for what they see

You recurse again deeper into the condition

That prevents you from seeing the beauty that you

Are

Inside

And the crying core that is with you every day

Thinking that love has passed you by

And so why should you even try

Takes you deeper into another level

And keeps the condition true

That no one could ever love you

Because how could that be

when you look in the mirror

All you see is the dying core that is your heart

But I am here to tell you my friend

Whether I've met you or not

That you do not have anything inside you

Or that has happened to you

That cannot be loved

And you are not your trauma

You are not your trauma

I will keep saying this until you stop

And pause

And read it slowly

And not pass over it

You are not your trauma

Stop glancing over these lines

Stop.

Read them.

Out loud.

Slowly.

I am not my trauma.

Breath.

Slowly.

And smile as you read this one last time.

And believe it.

Because it is true.

Not

Trauma.

And now

you can start shedding those

Doubts about your self

You can throw the idea that you can't be loved

In the fucking trash can

Because it is fucking garbage that you have been feeding yourself

Because some other person

Some other asshole

really some other person as broken as you are

Crushed the beauty and love that you have

And deformed it in a way

That you could not see your true reflection

When you look in the mirror

But I see you

I see through everything

I see through every negative emotion

I see through every bullshit artist

I am a truth detector

And I am telling you

Right here

That you are FUCKING LOVABLE

And if you just open that door just slightly

And let the light that exists

Begin to warm you

You will begin healing

You don't need anyone else

To love you

To love yourself

Your flaws are human

They are the same flaws that billions of us have

But we are so good at hiding them in blankets of shame

And we are so scared to tell someone else

That it seems like everyone else is perfect

And that you are the only one that feels this

But you aren't

All of us hurting

ALL OF US ARE HURTING

Stop. Stop and read this again.

ALL

ARE

HURTING

And whether you cower in fear of being seen

Or hurt people with the words you say

Or are cruel and dish your hurt out on the weak around you

Or have done things that you are ashamed of

You are still worthy of love

And you can be redeemed

Because, by, definition, you are unique

And if you let your guard down

And let those photons start reaching you

You will then see the power of recursion work in a different way

We are all feedback loops

And a positive feedback loop, by definition, is infinity

And a negative feedback loop, by definition, is zero

And you are not, nor ever will be, zero

As long as you have breath in you

So begin your positive feedback recursion loop

And every day you will grow

And heal

And become the person you were meant to be

And while it may grow slowly

The beauty of that positive feedback loop is that it eventually it becomes exponential

And your beauty will explode

And shower those around you with its healing light

And I know this is true

Because I see everything

And I see past your pain

And I see you

And you are beautiful

And once the light finds you

You are going to shine and reflect that beauty

Into the world

Because its already there

And if you believe

Even tentatively

that is true

Than that's all you need to get started

Walking in the light

And the world will join you

And you will be free

I can't wait to meet you

Because I already know you are there

And the beauty of your light is already blinding me

And warming my soul

Recursive Self Loathing

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